Author: quistian

We’re not stupid.(Most of the time.)

We know what’s right and wrong. We know what are the things that we can and cannot do. We know the difference.

Bad = thou shalt not do.

But when interest joins forces with opportunity…

What do we do?

“Just this once.”

It’s okay to indulge ourselves. Just this once.

Is it?

Maybe. How could that one single time possibly harm us?

Interest and opportunity. Undisputed World Tag-Team Champions.

As long as you’re interested, and there’s opportunity, what’s to say that that “just this one time” wouldn’t turn out to be “just this first time”?

What’s to say that you wouldn’t want a second helping, especially if you already know how good it is?

As long as the opportunity is still there… and you still want it…

All avalanches start with the first trickle of loose snow.

All “hard habits to break” start with the first indulgence.

As long as interest and opportunity are there, “this one time” always has the potential to turn out as “the first time”.

And you’ll always have the potential to keep saying “just this second time”, “just this third time”, “just this fourth time”…

We’re not stupid. I’m sure we all get the picture.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. —Proverbs 27:6

Confession: Sometimes when a Christian friend tries to point out a mistake I made or is currently making, my first instinct is to lash out with an annoyed “Mind your own business”. I never did, if my memory serves me right. I’ve never been good at baseless confrontations. But I do remember falling silent and listening to my…

Check that. PRETENDING to listen as my friend finishes his self-righteous preaching of the ills and wrongs of what I’m doing. Inside, I’m really only counting the minutes, hoping for him to decide to stop so I could go on my merry way. In some of those, I actually made a memo to myself never to say things to that person again. Ever.

Seems right, doesn’t it? That person may be my friend, but my life is still mine to live, and if he wants to stay as my friend maybe he should start considering what part of my life he could and could not encroach in.

Until I encountered this Daily Bread article.

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Never will I forget the rebuke I received from a friend when I was 17. He walked into the back of the butcher shop where I worked and saw me laughing at an indecent cartoon. He said he had admired my Christian character, and was surprised that I would laugh at something sinful and degrading. Instantly a wave of embarrassment swept over me. I shamefully admitted that I had sinned.

It’s not pleasant to be rebuked, nor is it easy to rebuke another person. So I can imagine that the apostle Paul didn’t like confronting Peter (Galatians 2:11). But he felt he had to, because Peter’s hypocritical behavior was hurtful and confusing to the Gentile converts at Antioch. Peter had freely eaten with them, but after some Jews from Jerusalem came to the Antioch church, he shunned the Gentiles, fearing the Jews’ disapproval. I imagine that he felt shame, but he apparently accepted the rebuke gracefully and changed his ways. He knew that Paul was a true friend who loved him. And in later years he referred to him as “our beloved brother Paul” (2 Peter 3:15).

If you must rebuke someone, do it gently. If you are rebuked, avoid an angry response. You may be getting a needed “faithful wound” from a friend.
 —Herbert Vander Lugt

A friend will gently say what’s true,
Although it may cause pain;
He’s really thinking of our good
And what we stand to gain. —D. De Haan

A true friend will put a finger on your faults without rubbing them in.

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Well, not only did this teach me that a friend who makes me aware of my mistakes really cares about me, but also that if I’m a friend to someone, I should start doing the same.  A person who tells his friend to mind his own business when he gently admonishes about a mistake is like someone who gets angry at a flashlight because it showed him that he’s heading into a brick wall. On the other hand, if you like being with someone only because that person tells you what you want to hear, be careful. This “friend” is nothing more than a flashlight that doesn’t give you light. I.e. useless.

So if I tell you that you’re losing your way, it’s because (a) you are, and (b) I don’t want you to.

An excerpt from something I wish I had written. Wanna know why I love FFVIII so much? The way it deals with emotions and interpersonal relations are so real and life-like. Don’t believe me? Read on…

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With a little help from the FH techs and a lot of prodding from Irvine, Selphie had pulled off the Garden Festival surprisingly well, considering that she’d had less than a day to do it. A stage had been erected next to the mayor’s house, and SeeDs and SeeD candidates had flocked out of Garden to join the party and dance to the music. Why Selphie had picked out an old-fashioned jig, Squall had no idea, but it sounded pretty good. She was just lucky that Quistis and Irvine could play the instruments she’d given them.Squall had never known that Zell could tap-dance.Rinoa was the one who’d dragged him out to the party. He’d meant to take advantage of the event to rest, but left to his own devices, he found himself getting restless. Even… bored.

A. “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” — Robert Brault

B. “when a friendship ends…it means it never even started” — Joy Perez

C. “The only thing permanent in life is change” — Markku Seguerra

Hmm…

Perhaps one of the worst sins a person could commit against himself is being the friend-for-life type, at the same time with being a poor judge of character. Item A runs smack into item B and causes a deep gash into a person’s heart. That, or item C rears its ugly head (not refering to the quote itself or the quoter, just the innate truth behind the quote), and the result is no less painful.

Most of the time it’s C. “Change” is one hell of a monster. Change for the better could lead to a better life, but for the worse the frustration and disappointment it causes seem to outweigh the effect of it being a good kind. It’s especially painful when it happens to people, those whom you have accepted into your life, invited into your house, taken into confidence and invested a portion of yourself on. So if you’re the friend-for-life type, get ready to be hit by a big rig squarely on the face. Making a poor character judgment by doing such things with one who turns out to be a “temp” friend could be one of the biggest mistakes you could do in your life.

Each of us has had his share: people lying to you; people easily believing lies about you; people who used to make plans with you but suddenly stop for whatever reason. The friend-for-life type person normally takes such things hard, and who can blame him? Well, one. Himself, for choosing the wrong person for a friend. That’s about all there is, really. When you’re the type who takes friendship seriously, so much that “once a friend, always a friend” is one of your guiding principles, and you make the mistake of opening up to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, it sucks. Being dissed by a person you care about always sucks.

That’s why personally, I’m grateful for people like Rachel, Cathy and the Bay Area gang, years-displaced friends who always remember to call me when they’re in the country. Rollee and Oyee, two who remain friends-for-life even if it takes months for us to get a chance to get together. Hana, Mike, Markku, Leia, Charina and the rest of the lunchtime pack and the Iskul Bukol gang for making it a point to get in touch with me when there are plans to go out, even though I’ve already moved to another job. Oh yeah, like I said, we’ve all had our share of “temp” friends, and the not-so-few times I experienced being taken out of the plan by people who used to make plans with me were never easy dealings. But, like most of us, I just had to choke down the frustration and move on. (Like I had any other choice)

Yeah, change is the only thing permanent. But when it happens to people you value, it could be such a bitch…

“One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. ” – Henry Brook Adams“

If two friends ask you to judge a dispute, don’t accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept because you will gain one friend.” – St. Augustine

“Friends, both the imaginary ones you build for yourself out of phrases taken from a living writer, or real ones from college, and relatives, despite all the waste of ceremony and fakery and the fact that out of an hour of conversation you may have only five minutes in which the old entente reappears, are the only real means for foreign ideas to enter your brain.” – Nicholson Baker

“A friend loveth at all times.” – Proverbs 17:17

“A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.” – Josh Billings

“Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.” – Arthur Block

“Friendships are fragile things and require as much care in handling as any other fragile and precious thing. ” – Randolphe S. Bourne

“False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade.” – Christian Nevell Bovee

“I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar. ” – Robert Brault

“Thus much for thy assurance know; a hollow friend is but a hellish foe.” – Nicholas Breton

“A good friend is worth pursuing… but why would a good friend be running away?” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“If we would build on a sure foundation in friendship, we must love friends for their sake rather than for our own.” – Charlotte Bronte

“Friendship should be a private pleasure, not a public boast. I loathe those braggarts who are forever trying to invest themselves with importance by calling important people by their first names in or out of print. Such first-naming for effect makes me cringe.” – John Mason Brown

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil — but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small silly presents every so often — just to save it from drying out completely ” – Pam Brown

“A good friend who points out mistakes and imperfections and rebukes evil is to be respected as if he reveals a secret of hidden treasure.” – Buddha

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

“Friendship without self-interest is one of the rare and beautiful things of life.” – James F. Byrnes

“I have always laid it down as a maxim –and found it justified by experience –that a man and a woman make far better friendships than can exist between two of the same sex –but then with the condition that they never have made or are to make love to each other.” – Lord Byron

“The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ.” – Oswald Chambers

“I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.” – Sebastian-Roch Nicholas De Chamfort

“A friend is someone you can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and be comfortable in the silence.” – Sheryl Condie

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.” – Frank Crane

“A good motto is: Use friendliness but do not use your friends.” – Frank Crane

Thought (it’s now obvious I never stop thinking, even in my sleep) about this through as a reaction to my wife’s blog post about friends. Like I realized that people are priceless. Whoever they are. Friends – goes without saying. Enemies – though you’re happy about their absence, there are people who feel happy with their presence. Scum, lowlifes and politicians – all loved by their mothers. Pseudo-friends (those people who only stay with you as long as they enjoy your company and then cut out when things aren’t so pleasant) – there are other people who they stick with through thick and thin.

Bearing this in mind, it’s not easy to understand that when you have a friend, enjoy his/her presence while it lasts. Because friends seldom stay. Only about 1 in a million actually become friends for life. The others, well, for so many reasons and factors they seem to have some sort of “expiration date”. Yes, they could have become your true friends, sticking with you though thick and thin, listening to your rants and vents, or simply staying quiet with you. But even the best of intentions don’t last, and sooner or later what used to be warm becomes lukewarm, and then finally grows cold.

You will feel it, and as soon as you do, you know it’s going to be another round of letting go. It’s just sad how often we have to do this unpleasant recourse. Letting go.

Enjoy your friends. Love them as much as you could. But never think they’ll always be there, because 999,999 out of a million they won’t. Be ready to release and move on.