Month: June 2007

A. “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” — Robert Brault

B. “when a friendship ends…it means it never even started” — Joy Perez

C. “The only thing permanent in life is change” — Markku Seguerra

Hmm…

Perhaps one of the worst sins a person could commit against himself is being the friend-for-life type, at the same time with being a poor judge of character. Item A runs smack into item B and causes a deep gash into a person’s heart. That, or item C rears its ugly head (not refering to the quote itself or the quoter, just the innate truth behind the quote), and the result is no less painful.

Most of the time it’s C. “Change” is one hell of a monster. Change for the better could lead to a better life, but for the worse the frustration and disappointment it causes seem to outweigh the effect of it being a good kind. It’s especially painful when it happens to people, those whom you have accepted into your life, invited into your house, taken into confidence and invested a portion of yourself on. So if you’re the friend-for-life type, get ready to be hit by a big rig squarely on the face. Making a poor character judgment by doing such things with one who turns out to be a “temp” friend could be one of the biggest mistakes you could do in your life.

Each of us has had his share: people lying to you; people easily believing lies about you; people who used to make plans with you but suddenly stop for whatever reason. The friend-for-life type person normally takes such things hard, and who can blame him? Well, one. Himself, for choosing the wrong person for a friend. That’s about all there is, really. When you’re the type who takes friendship seriously, so much that “once a friend, always a friend” is one of your guiding principles, and you make the mistake of opening up to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, it sucks. Being dissed by a person you care about always sucks.

That’s why personally, I’m grateful for people like Rachel, Cathy and the Bay Area gang, years-displaced friends who always remember to call me when they’re in the country. Rollee and Oyee, two who remain friends-for-life even if it takes months for us to get a chance to get together. Hana, Mike, Markku, Leia, Charina and the rest of the lunchtime pack and the Iskul Bukol gang for making it a point to get in touch with me when there are plans to go out, even though I’ve already moved to another job. Oh yeah, like I said, we’ve all had our share of “temp” friends, and the not-so-few times I experienced being taken out of the plan by people who used to make plans with me were never easy dealings. But, like most of us, I just had to choke down the frustration and move on. (Like I had any other choice)

Yeah, change is the only thing permanent. But when it happens to people you value, it could be such a bitch…

“One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. ” – Henry Brook Adams“

If two friends ask you to judge a dispute, don’t accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept because you will gain one friend.” – St. Augustine

“Friends, both the imaginary ones you build for yourself out of phrases taken from a living writer, or real ones from college, and relatives, despite all the waste of ceremony and fakery and the fact that out of an hour of conversation you may have only five minutes in which the old entente reappears, are the only real means for foreign ideas to enter your brain.” – Nicholson Baker

“A friend loveth at all times.” – Proverbs 17:17

“A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.” – Josh Billings

“Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.” – Arthur Block

“Friendships are fragile things and require as much care in handling as any other fragile and precious thing. ” – Randolphe S. Bourne

“False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade.” – Christian Nevell Bovee

“I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar. ” – Robert Brault

“Thus much for thy assurance know; a hollow friend is but a hellish foe.” – Nicholas Breton

“A good friend is worth pursuing… but why would a good friend be running away?” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“If we would build on a sure foundation in friendship, we must love friends for their sake rather than for our own.” – Charlotte Bronte

“Friendship should be a private pleasure, not a public boast. I loathe those braggarts who are forever trying to invest themselves with importance by calling important people by their first names in or out of print. Such first-naming for effect makes me cringe.” – John Mason Brown

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil — but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small silly presents every so often — just to save it from drying out completely ” – Pam Brown

“A good friend who points out mistakes and imperfections and rebukes evil is to be respected as if he reveals a secret of hidden treasure.” – Buddha

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

“Friendship without self-interest is one of the rare and beautiful things of life.” – James F. Byrnes

“I have always laid it down as a maxim –and found it justified by experience –that a man and a woman make far better friendships than can exist between two of the same sex –but then with the condition that they never have made or are to make love to each other.” – Lord Byron

“The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ.” – Oswald Chambers

“I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.” – Sebastian-Roch Nicholas De Chamfort

“A friend is someone you can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and be comfortable in the silence.” – Sheryl Condie

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.” – Frank Crane

“A good motto is: Use friendliness but do not use your friends.” – Frank Crane

Thought (it’s now obvious I never stop thinking, even in my sleep) about this through as a reaction to my wife’s blog post about friends. Like I realized that people are priceless. Whoever they are. Friends – goes without saying. Enemies – though you’re happy about their absence, there are people who feel happy with their presence. Scum, lowlifes and politicians – all loved by their mothers. Pseudo-friends (those people who only stay with you as long as they enjoy your company and then cut out when things aren’t so pleasant) – there are other people who they stick with through thick and thin.

Bearing this in mind, it’s not easy to understand that when you have a friend, enjoy his/her presence while it lasts. Because friends seldom stay. Only about 1 in a million actually become friends for life. The others, well, for so many reasons and factors they seem to have some sort of “expiration date”. Yes, they could have become your true friends, sticking with you though thick and thin, listening to your rants and vents, or simply staying quiet with you. But even the best of intentions don’t last, and sooner or later what used to be warm becomes lukewarm, and then finally grows cold.

You will feel it, and as soon as you do, you know it’s going to be another round of letting go. It’s just sad how often we have to do this unpleasant recourse. Letting go.

Enjoy your friends. Love them as much as you could. But never think they’ll always be there, because 999,999 out of a million they won’t. Be ready to release and move on.

In the 1999 hit video game Final Fantasy VIII, there was a scene where all the lead characters learned that they had grown together as kids in an orphanage. Skipping the details of that scene, it resulted in the six of them developing an even stronger bond that surpasses that of normal camaraderie. I guess learning that you were together as kids tend to break down the walls and kind of makes things rosier around your interaction with its other.

Just thought of this as an amazing coincidence. Among all the Final Fantasy games, VIII was my favorite, and that scene was a big reason why. It’s amazing because something very similar happened to me tonight. See, my sister-in-law has this friend, a doctor named Joyce. I would often see her whenever I go to my in-laws house, and we’d say hi to each other without so much as a decent conversation. She was just my sister-in-law’s friend anyway, who’s grown quite close to my wife by association. Okay lang.

Pero this night when she arrived, I saw something in her that I have never seen before. Something uncannily familiar. So I whisphered into my wife’s ear to ask what “Doc’s” maiden last name is. All the while, I was feeling anxious in the event Doc would say “Renato.”

She did say “Renato.” Joyce Renato, or the former Jocelyn Renato, a girl I went to school with back in grade six at St. Mary’s College over at Mother Ignacia, QC.

“Yeah, I was there too.” so said Squall.

I mean, WOW. There we were, just casually regarding each other in all those numerous times we’d meet at my in-laws house, having no idea whatsoever that we were actually together in school over 20 years ago! I don’t know what happened, it’s like a veil had been lifted off and for the first time I had a really good look at her features. “Hey…” I wondered, after which my heart raced when I remembered her name was Joyce. “Could it be…?” That’s when I asked Joy to ask what her maiden name was. What if she said “Renato”???

BOOM!

It was a good kind of BOOM, though. And all of the sudden, what used to be two people who simply regarded each other loosely and casually took over the topic of the night and made everyone laugh in delight for this most pleasant of surprises. I couldn’t help smiling while remembering the subsequent conversation I had with Doc – as I look at her, all I see is that cute, almost chubby girl with glasses, a headband, her books and backgammon board sitting beside an unassuming plantbox beside the walkway that stretched from the elementary building all the way to the Panay Avenue gate. The experience was exciting, bringing me to a giddy fit. And Joy, my wife, kept laughing because all the way home I had this smile on my face that I couldn’t seem to wipe off.

So that’s what Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Zell and Irvine must have felt.

It’s nice to have something to smile about for a change

——–

Disclaimer: The line “A misunderstood love…?” is quoted from FFVIII, on that same scene I described above. Quistis said that to Squall, supposedly to ‘explain away’ her hidden feelings for him. There. (must start putting Disclaimers in my blog posts to about misinterpretations  )

This is sorta sad. About 2:30am. Just chillin’ in my room, watching my wife sleep. The song I Can’t Make You Love Me (Nina’s version) is playing in my laptop. Song made me search for Joy’s blog post for the lyrics. Scrolled down and re-read the replies…

Just thinking about stuff. Probably just one of those times. Last night I was at work, the whole night. Drove home around 9 this morning. Slept the whole day almost. Now I don’t feel like sleeping. I’m still tired, but I don’t feel like sleeping. This sort of exhaustion brings with it a unique kind of melancholy. Couldn’t avoid thinking about misunderstandings. Mixed signals. Lack of communication. Silent hurts. Unspoken truths. Spoken lies. Friends breaking up, and not knowing why. Wracking my brain trying to figure out how a pleasant situation would suddenly turn south for no apparent reason. Why suddenly a person close to you would suddenly drift away. Not just suddenly, but swiftly, drastically, and almost violently. Misunderstandings? Lack of communication? Mixed signals? Misinterpreted behavior?  Unspoken hellos? Pressing ‘Delete’ just for the heck of it?

I’d choose belligerence anytime. At least with belligerent people, there is no puzzle. You know exactly why an asshole is being an asshole and why he is acting like an asshole. Sometimes I prefer no-brainers when I don’t have a great deal of time to figure things out. Just deal with it and go on with your life.

But friends communicate. It’s the same as saying that birds fly or the sun shines. When they stop doing that for no apparent reason… well… it’s mind-boggling. It doesn’t make sense.

Or it’s dead.

Kill the misunderstandings, or kill the friendship. It’s not a tough choice. It’s a no-brainer. And yet it seems we still can’t make the right choice.

Sad…